By BERRY PHILLIPS
Red velvet cake is a lie. Honestly, the only fitting name for it is devil’s food cake, by which it is commonly called, as it is a product of satanic deception. The fact is that red velvet cake is just chocolate cake with red dye, vinegar — yes, vinegar — and cream cheese frosting. The use of vinegar in the creation of this cake speaks volumes to the ways in which red velvet cake is cloaked in fraud.
In the world of cakes, red velvet shouldn’t even be considered as a contender for the upper echelon of cakes. Obviously, regular chocolate cake is delicious when not tarnished by artificial dyes and harsh vinegars. There are many creative and delectable options besides plain chocolate cake, such as carrot cake, pound cake, and coconut cake. There is no need to stoop to baking a red velvet cake — or to eating one, for that matter. I didn’t include cheesecake in my examples because cheesecake is obviously a pie, not a cake, and I do not wish to perpetuate harmful misnomers.
However, it is not totally your fault if you like red velvet cake. You probably just like cream cheese frosting. There is no shame in that. In fact, cream cheese frosting is probably one of the best innovations in the entire baking industry. When you eat red velvet cake, the most important flavor by far is the cream cheese frosting, not the devil’s food. I know some of you may take issue with this idea, but why not just put cream cheese frosting on regular chocolate cake? It would taste the same, I promise.
This is partially off-topic, but it must be noted: we should just put cream cheese on more foods. The possible variations are endless, from salty to sweet and everywhere in between. Obviously, cream cheese isn’t the healthiest thing you can eat, but regular frosting is probably just as unhealthy and not nearly as yummy.
Anyway, people really need to figure out what they truly enjoy about the foods they are eating. When I eat a rainbow bagel, I enjoy the bagel because it tastes like a bagel. Truth be told, I am usually distressed by unnaturally colored foods. When I eat red velvet cake, I don’t think, “the fact that this cake is red makes the taste better,” I think about the cream cheese frosting and the flavor of the cake, which is nearly identical to chocolate cake.
Once you figure out why you like a certain food, it is much easier to see that red velvet is an unoriginal cake variety unworthy of the reputation it receives. I recommend, next time you decide to bake or buy a cake, that you do a little extra research and find a recipe or product that is not a red velvet cake; cake tastes better when it isn’t baked with deceit.