Kris Jenner, Our Lord and Savior

As my group chat discussed the latest Kardashian scandal, Cate Johnson ’20 asked the simple question: “Is Kris Jenner … God?” A minor statement, sure, but it left me reexamining everything I thought I knew for weeks. I spent nights staring up at the ceiling, wondering how and when Kris Jenner was going to overtake Jeff Bezos and become a global overlord.

Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that many of the Kardashians are quite intelligent and are simply villainized due to the reclamation and monetization of their sexuality. The selling of women’s bodies was traditionally a man’s job, and the Kardashians broke this norm by doing the exact same thing, but on their terms. Yet, their worldwide, billion-dollar empire cannot simply exist by chance. A larger force is at hand, and that force is Kris Jenner. Through a combination of various scandals, reality-TV shows, and lip kits, Jenner took a relatively unremarkable group of girls and turned them into one of the most well-known and profitable families in the world.

Illustration by Lo Wall

The “momager” is certainly not a new phenomenon. Andy Warhol’s mother, Julia, was a momager, Kanye West’s mother, Donda, managed him through his first three albums, and I still send Catalyst articles to my mother for editing. Mothers inherently have their children’s interests at heart, and the trust runs deep; therefore, it makes sense for your birth-giver to be in charge of you to a certain extent. 

Where Kris Jenner differs, however, is in the immense success she has had as a momager. Nearly every scandal that has occurred in the family, Kris has found a way to monetize later down the line and only increase the family’s net worth. 

The newest one, over the cheating scandal of Khloe’s boyfriend, Tristan Thompson, and Kylie’s best friend, Jordyn Woods, is muddled and messy, and no one knows who to believe. Yet, the larger issue remains of what Kris is going to do about it. Is this a setup to start Jordyn Woods’ career, independent of Kylie and the rest of the empire? Did Kris Jenner want Kylie to get a new best friend? Is there going to be a lip kit launch with names about cheating? Whatever the master plan, Kris Jenner will profit. 

The main question that is yet to be answered, then, is how? How did she make this empire? How is she 63? At what age did she sign away her soul? When did she develop omnipotent abilities? How tall is she? These are the questions that come to mind as I space out in class.

Her youngest daughter got pregnant, and what did Kris Jenner do? She released a video that outshone the Super Bowl. That same daughter is the youngest “self-made” billionaire in history. Her other daughter is one of the highest-paid supermodels in the world. Another daughter literally “broke the internet.”

Yes, Kris Jenner is incredibly intelligent, talented, and hard-working, but the abilities she demonstrates seem to be genuinely divine. Her birthday, Nov. 5, 1955, is the same day that Marty McFly returned to in Back to the Future. Coincidence? I think not. The moment that Kris Jenner came into this world changed the cosmos, and popular culture, forever. Could she be sent here to save us all? Maybe she is God, maybe she isn’t. All I know is that “the devil works hard, but Kris Jenner works harder.” 

Josie Kritter

Josie Kritter

Josie, class of 2019, is a political science major from Culpeper, Va. She writes for the news and opinion sections of The Catalyst. In her free time, she enjoys hiking, reading, and scuba diving (which is unfortunately almost impossible in Colorado).
Josie Kritter

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