Sitting pretty at 6,035 feet, our location at Colorado College not only makes it a struggle to get up the stairs, but also to stay hydrated. An accessory found on nearly every student to combat the scourge of dehydration is their water bottle. But water bottles are more than a cure for headaches — they’re a personal choice that define who you are as a person.
So, what does your water bottle say about you?
The Hydro Flask: Commonly known as “my hydro,” this choice signifies a certain level of high-maintenance needs. Personally, since switching to this bottle, I refuse to drink anything but nearly frozen water. Coming in 40-ounce containers, in the brightest colors imaginable, with a rather loud clink of ice on the interior metal, this is by far the most obnoxious option for water drinkers. On the bright side, weighing about 10 pounds when filled, this bottle can also double as an arm workout! It is, by far, the ideal bottle for the aspiring suburban mother.
The Nalgene: Wait, do you camp? Do you love the outdoors? Do you want to let everyone know just how #crunchy you are? Then this is the bottle for you! Even with the dangerous BPA these bottles used to have, they can be found in every corner of campus. Usually covered in stickers to show off that you ski and/or drink coffee, this bottle belongs to an individual who loves versatility and is very straightforward. It is also for literally anyone who is just thirsty and can’t find anything better.
The CamelBak: Their slogan literally used to be “Hydrate or Die,” so I think they mean business. The individual who chooses this bottle probably makes a great romantic partner, because it takes serious commitment to prevent the rubber nipple from getting moldy. On the other hand, according to Freud, they probably have an oral fixation, so keep that in mind. With their mighty straw, however, CamelBak users are likely the most hydrated of all water drinkers.
The Gatorade Bottle: The most interesting thing I’ve found in these individuals is that they are rarely athletes. Why do they need to hold their bottle six inches from their face and squirt it into their mouth in class? Why do they refuse to unscrew the lid when they are sitting motionless for three hours at a time? These individuals might be a little lazy, but they at least always have a hand free to Snapchat themselves blowing Juul smoke.
The S’well: Probably the most notoriously known “basic” water bottle. These individuals are frauds when it comes to water-drinking, since if they were more committed, they would have invested in a much larger capacity bottle. They are drawn more to the aesthetic colors these bottles come in rather than the actual hydration factor. Definitely the most “Instagrammable,” these people are most likely influencers and involved in some sort of pyramid scheme selling Fit Teas.
The bag: You know those bottles that come in those weird plastic bags that you can fold up when you’re done? The individual who chooses this is reckless and enjoys living life on the edge. So what if all of your electronic valuables are in your backpack with your flimsy water bottle? Who cares! My warning to these people is to move gently, or you will be heartbroken to find that all of your half-finished homework is soaking wet.
The Mug: These individuals who choose to get their 64 daily ounces from small mugs are immortal; they cannot be beat. It is equivalent to the final boss in a video game one must face in order to achieve maximum hydration. I don’t know how they do it, but when the apocalypse happens, they will be the last ones standing, still calmly sipping with their magical gyroscopic arms that somehow don’t spill a drop.
So, with this in mind, as the great Albus Dumbledore once said, “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” Choose your hydration vessel wisely.