By Robbie Stern
For some reason, the good people of this publication have allowed Sam Mathai to write a weekly column. Why? I have no idea—it’s not like the kid knows how to write… For those who read his regular column, you are probably wondering who the hell this guy is. Well, I have known him for about four years now, and I am still pretty unsure.
When the name “Sam Mathai” is said literally anywhere on campus, a few things pop into most minds: forehead, least favorite man at Colorado College (and maybe in Colorado Springs), which one of my friends did he date for two weeks, and—oh yeah—forehead. The readers deserve the truth, and to be honest, I don’t really know who Sam Mathai is or why he is still allowed to pull words out of his a** on a weekly basis.
Since much of his writing is aimed at exposing most of his close friends, I asked a few of them to describe Sam with a few anecdotes. Although most of the responses weren’t exactly publishing material, a few might actually be allowed to be printed. To start, interviewees mentioned his 21st birthday, (which no one officially remembers). There’s a rumor that he was kicked out of the restaurant where he works before noon on a Sunday and had to walk home. Tough look, Mathai. His friends also spoke about any time he gets an aux cord at a social gathering and finds it acceptable to play the “Cantina Song” from Star Wars or “Making Luv to the Beat” on a continuous cycle. When I asked sophomore Coby Petau what he thinks about Sam Mathai he said, “Well honestly, I don’t really have anything to say about him, not a single thing.” There you have it folks: the truth.
I could tell you that one day in the library, a bunch of us made a list of reasons about why we hate Sam Mathai, and you would think I am probably lying, but it’s true and the list took up about two full whiteboards. As I am running out of allotted words here, maybe we should say a few nice-ish things about Sam. He is pretty mediocre at best in the kitchen, and his heart is almost as big as his forehead. Although nobody enjoys reading his weekly column, most of the time it is better than being lectured at in class, so thanks for that, Sam.