Show of Talents: I Hope Other Athletes Have More Talent Than Me

Every week, senior lacrosse player Sam Mathai exercises his vernacular, targeting anything and anyone on campus.

What happens when you trap the three funniest student athletes on campus in a room for a couple days to write a script to host the Show of Talents? I would not know because I was not trapped in a room with funny people. I was in a room with seniors Steph Kelly and Theo Hooker, arguably some of the least humorous people on campus.

The Show of Talents, which is the talent show our sports teams compete in once a year, is hosted by senior athletes. This year, I got lucky enough to be blessed with the opportunity to emcee the show of talents.

I’m writing this on a Tuesday evening and the show of talents is Wednesday night. Preparing for it was rather … difficult … but eventually Theo, Steph, and I produced some form of entertainment, though it isn’t the flowing spring of laughter that you expect when you imagine the creative process of comedians.

Let me paint a picture for you: Theo was like a sponge, in more ways than just the resemblance of his hair to a sea sponge. He did a lot of watching, a lot of absorbing. He would find the perfect moment to insert a beautiful egg of comedy. Steph just waited until I said something and proceeded to point out that a) what I said was in no way funny and b) I was also in no way funny.

I bothered them to reflect on the work we had done over the past couple of days. Theo ignored me, mostly, and Steph sent me to voicemail. But after throwing my headshot tied to bricks at her house, she relented to humoring me.

Something in the way she seemed so eager to get the interview through with hinted that she was very, very excited to work with me on this. “So, you guys had to be excited to work with me, objectively the funniest person on Catalyst staff, right?” You know that look that Michael from The Office gets on his face when he has to talk with Toby? That was the look that I saw on Steph’s face after posing my first question.

“No, Sam,” replied Steph. “I was not in any way excited to talk to you or work with you; very excited to work with Theo though.” Theo did not chime in, but that sly smile he gave Steph as she said this told me all I needed to know. Like Han watching Luke and Leia kiss that one time, I was jealous, weirded out, and not just a little turned on.

“I mean, The Catalyst had to hire you out of pity right?” Steph asked. “Like, you aren’t qualified as a writer, are you?” Steph continued, while Theo nodded approvingly. And actually, she brings up a good point. I had never really considered that I got this gig because they wanted me to feel good. It is entirely possible. I really hope that isn’t true, but I figure that, at this point, it’s kind of too late. I’ve released a lot of what I excuse for writing. Oh well.

Also, seeing as this is being written before the show, but will be in print after the show, I really hope some of the things we say are funny. Any jokes you may have heard on stage that made you roll your eyes so hard you saw your frontal lobe were most likely mine. Either way, I really do hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed hosting. Which is to say, I hope you enjoyed it slightly more than not at all …

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